RIP house plant

**MEMORANDUM** **TO:** All Personnel, Household Operations Division **FROM:** Chief Botanical Officer **DATE:** [Current Date] **RE:** Organizational Restructuring – Permanent Departure of Key Green Asset **PRIORITY: HIGH** It is with deep regret that we must announce the unexpected offboarding of our beloved houseplant (Species: Unknown; Department: Living Room Corner; Employee ID: PLANT-001), effective immediately. This transition occurred without prior notice, exit interview, or standard two-weeks' notification period. **PERFORMANCE SUMMARY:** Our departed colleague consistently exceeded core competencies in the following areas: - Photosynthesis optimization - Oxygen production KPIs - Aesthetic value-add to workspace environment - Low-maintenance stakeholder engagement **CIRCUMSTANCES OF DEPARTURE:** After comprehensive root-cause analysis, we have determined that the exact timeline and circumstances surrounding this organizational change remain unclear. Key findings include: - **Last Known Status:** Green and operational - **Current Status:** Decidedly non-green; crispy - **Contributing Factors:** TBD (possibly water resource allocation issues, sunlight deficiency, or complete and utter negligence by upper management) The transition appears to have occurred during an undefined window between "definitely alive" and "profoundly deceased," with no stakeholder awareness during the critical change-management period. **LESSONS LEARNED:** Going forward, we must implement improved monitoring systems to prevent similar talent losses. Action items include: - Regular wellness check-ins (watering) - Enhanced environmental synergies (sunlight access) - Proactive intervention before terminal browning occurs **CELEBRATION OF CONTRIBUTIONS:** Despite the mysterious nature of this departure, we acknowledge the significant value our houseplant brought to the organization. Its strategic positioning created an ambiance of "we have our lives together," even when empirical evidence suggested otherwise. The plant never complained, never requested PTO, and maintained consistent productivity until its sudden pivot to a dehydrated state. **SUCCESSION PLANNING:** A replacement candidate (possibly plastic) will be considered following a thorough review of our organizational capacity for ongoing botanical care responsibilities. We encourage all team members to take a moment to reflect on the impermanence of office greenery and our collective failure to notice literally anything until it was far too late. **In Memoriam:** You will be composted. *Rest in Photosynthesis.*